Self-Compassion...True Soul-Care

I decided to begin this two-month journey to cultivate compassion with compassion for others, because it is often easier to extend compassion and kindness outward than to offer it to ourselves. In June, we focused on noticing other people’s feelings, struggles and suffering, and finding ways to offer them kindness and compassion. This month, we turn gently toward ourselves, with the same open-hearted awareness and care. Self-compassion doesn’t always come naturally to us - we need to nurture it.

Life is hard.  And we all go through difficult periods. Struggle is simply part of the human experience. Sometimes our suffering comes from outer circumstances—work, family, finances, relationships. And yet so much of our suffering is created by our own heads and hearts, much of our stress and difficulties arise from within, from the pressure we place on ourselves and the way we speak to ourselves.  We tend to have impossibly high expectations of ourselves and when we don’t live up to them, when we fail, make a mistake or notice our inadequacies, we harshly judge and criticize ourselves.  By doing so, we cause our own pain and suffering.

Self-compassion allows us to soothe and comfort ourselves when our suffering is due to external circumstances. And it is the antidote to our harsh inner criticism and self-doubt.

What exactly is self-compassion?  Compassion for ourselves is the same as compassion for others — and just as important.  It is compassion turned inward — the awareness and recognition of our suffering along with a genuine desire to do something to alleviate it with an act of self-kindness. Think of it this way: “Self-compassion is a practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves, when we need it most — to become an inner ally rather than an inner enemy.” (The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, by Kristin Neff PhD and Christopher Germer PhD.)

Self-compassion is true soul-care.  It's a necessity — not an indulgence. It's about treating ourselves with gentle care and kindness. Practising self-compassion is a powerful way to find emotional well-being, to build inner strength, resilience, gratitude and a joyful way of living. And self-compassion is the foundation that allows our compassion for others, and our sense of common humanity, to deepen and grow.  

Self-compassion involves the same three steps as compassion for others:

1. Notice— notice your negative self-talk, destructive habits, or feelings of stress, sadness, anxiety or depression;
   
2. Feel—allow yourself to feel exactly what you are feeling, acknowledge it instead of numbing out or ignoring it;
   
3. Act—do something kind for yourself to alleviate your suffering, remember to offer yourself with the same kindness and care that you would give to your best friend.

As the first self-compassion practice, this week I invite you to practice observing your thoughts and feelings, to notice with kindness and curiosity instead of mercilessly criticizing and judging yourself for what you perceive as faults, failings and inadequacies. This requires presence, and that is what mindfulness teaches us.

And so we are back, once again, to the powerful, life-changing practice of mindfulness, a key component of self-compassion. Mindfulness practice trains us to see things as they are, to notice our thoughts, feelings and emotions with kindness, curiosity and without judging, without resistance or avoidance, to notice how we react to the various situations we face every day.  It is the first step to self-compassion - simply noticing. To begin cultivating self-compassion, I invite you to explore or to reconnect with mindfulness. You can practice it through meditation, yoga and through your daily experience.  As mindfulness has been woven into to my practices from the very beginning, I have written about it often. And I have gathered many of my articles HERE, in a library of mindfulness resources from the HUM LIFE blog. 

Let’s begin with a gentle self-compassion audit, a simple reflection you can use to notice how you think and treat yourself.These questions invite you to become aware of the patterns that shape your inner world. 

• When I make a mistake, do I speak to myself with kindness or criticism?
  
• When my critical inner voice speaks up, can I notice it with awareness rather than believing it completely?
  
• After a difficult moment, do I keep replaying it in my mind and criticizing myself?
  
• Do I allow my feelings to be present without judging them, or do I criticize myself for having them?
  
• When I see aspects of myself that I don’t like, am I hard on myself, or can I accept that it’s okay not to be perfect?
  
• When I’m having a hard time, do I remember that struggle is part of being human?
  
• Do I treat my needs as valid, or do I dismiss them until I’m exhausted?
  
• When I’m struggling, do I give myself permission to rest, recover and receive support?
  
• At all times, do I offer myself the same patience and kindness that I would offer my best friend?

And perhaps the most important question to ask yourself this week: What is one small way I could be kinder to myself this week?

And remember this: your yoga and meditation practice is sacred personal time; your home sanctuary is sacred space, a haven, a place to practice, reflect, recover, to just be as you are.  These are gifts to yourself.